Finding Ourselves

Last weekend I was browsing through the selection of Book Sale at Megamall while waiting for my wife. Then I came across this book Memoirs of a Spiritual Outsider by Suzanne Clores. It looked interesting so I decided to buy it.

I recently finished reading the book. Sometimes you come across a book that you feel compelled to read, and this was one of them. It was also in narrative format, making it easy to read, so it was a welcome diversion from some of the heavy esoteric treatises I usually read.

The book is about the journey and struggle of a typical Gen-Xer trying to find spiritual meaning in a life where religion had failed her. She couldn't accept the dogma of her Catholic religion and there were so many questions that couldn't be answered, especially from the point of view of a female in the midst of a patriarchal religion, so she simply rejected it. She calls herself an "outsider" because she does not follow the tenets that everyone around her have accepted and had taken for granted. And yet she could still feel an emptiness that longed to be filled, and this eventually prompted her spiritual journey.

Her quest for answers wasn't easy. Her experience with Catholicism has left her deeply suspicious about any system that would require her to make too many changes in her life, or might seek to control her too much. But she was still envious of the inner peace exuding from people practicing different spiritual systems. Unable to commit to any one system, over the years she investigated Wicca, shamanism, hatha yoga, vodou, Sufism (Sufism Reoriented), Shambhala and even the Burning Man, while still remaining an outsider looking in.

Because of her inner resistance, she dips her fingers into all these systems yet doesn't commit to each. She takes a little from each tradition, just those aspects that she finds useful for her. Nothing unusual here, since eclecticism has been successfully practiced by different spiritual aspirants. Yet because she has no spiritual foundation to stand on, the experience leaves her stretched and confused. I would say that this is one of the dangers of too much dabbling. A certain foundation is necessary if one is to follow the eclectic path.

Eventually, however, she comes to terms with herself and achieves a certain level of inner equilibrium. Although not all her questions have been answered, and many more still simmer up, at least she seems to have found a more stable outlook with which to pursue and understand her spirituality.

A few would recognize the author's situation as so-called "spiritual restlessness." This happens when the soul feels the urge to start moving towards the spiritual path when the personality is still too immersed in wordly affairs.

All of us, at one time or another, have raised questions such as "Who am I?" and "What's it all about?". Reading the book got me thinking about my own response to these calls. In some ways I'm lucky that I didn't have to undergo such a tumultuous process, and yet on the other hand, one can see how difficulties can forge a clearer understanding about one's place in life.

We all get these soul urges with varying degrees of intensity, and our responses differ accordingly. Yet in the bustle of life, it's easy to forget that there are other things, other realities that exist beyond the ken of our five physical senses.

Whatever our response may be, the challenge of finding answers will always be there. For those of us who are bent on our careers and various mundane pursuits, the question will come about the meaning of all we are doing. If we project ourselves to 10, 25, 50 or 100 years from now and look back, will we see if what we did now matters? Was it really that important to have devoted our life to that particular goal? By what means do we define ourselves?

Even those on the spiritual path come face to face with these questions. Are we actualizing what we are studying? Or do they remain on the mental level? It's easy to think of oneness, peace and love for all while meditating. It's another matter entirely to remember this once faced with an abusive officemate or an overdue bill.

Whatever our particular life situation may be, no matter how much we may deny it, some form of answer is called for. Each one of us is free to choose what our answer will be, and this will determine the course our life will take from that point. Our choice can be a conscious one or not, and not doing anything is a type of answer in itself. So do we go through life as a robot, or open our eyes and make meaningful change in our life? Therefore, it makes sense to become aware of our soul calling us, and reflect on what our answer will be and what it will mean for us and those around us.